By Kim Damon
Waking up in the morning, I felt off. I mean, off! I’m just angry at the world, and I don’t know why. Do you experience this? You get in the shower and start thinking about the day. Since you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you start thinking about all the people who upset you, and you start to have imaginary arguments with them, which you usually win in your head. You have a full-blown argument in your head, and nothing has even happened yet.
Even as I backtrack and tell myself that nothing has gone wrong, I notice that I don’t even want to be in the same room with myself. Then the anger turns inward. It’s only about 10:00 am, and I still have the rest of the day to hang out with the angry me. It feels crazy like we don’t know why we are mad, but we are mad about everything. I recognize this; It’s Cognitive Dissonance. I feel it all the time with my adult children. There are many signs of Cognitive Dissonance, where our brain is arguing with itself. Today, my cognitive dissonance is that I’m upset but there is no reason to be upset.
It’s that internal disagreement that takes place in our minds that makes us feel crazy or distressed without any clear reasoning. Parents of adults experience cognitive dissonance because we have beliefs or values that are running our brains. When moms of adults are suffering, the dissonance is crippling. “They don’t care about me” – “Kids should respect their parents.” “I’m embarrassed by my kid’s behavior “- “They are good people and sometimes make bad choices.” “I’m was a terrible mom” – “I did everything for them” “I want a glass of wine” – “Alcohol is not good for me” “My husband doesn’t understand what I’m going through” – “He is a good man and supports me.” When our thoughts, feelings, or actions do not match up with how we think we should think, act, or feel, the fight begins. And it feels like dipping our toes in craziness. How do we resolve this? First, realize that when this happens, you are human.
There are ways for us to keep the dissonance down when it feels strong. We can change our old beliefs if it’s no longer helping us. We can change the way we behave now by changing our thoughts, feelings, and actions, or we can decide that our belief justifies no further engagement with the problem. I need to examine some of my beliefs. Yet, many of them are unwavering, and I’m good with that. They are my moral compass in life, and without some of them, I wouldn’t know who I am as a woman, a partner, a mother, or a friend. Growing up, the only scuffles I had were protecting someone from being picked on. I even struggle with this as an adult. I fight the urge to jump right in and take sides, even to this day. I like this part of myself, but it also gets me in trouble. I once jumped into a rock fight with my cousins because it was two against one.
As I knelt to pick up a rock, the cousin that I was helping hit me square in the back of my head with a large piece of pavement. I still have a bald spot to remind me. We might think it’s noble to have that strong belief, but is it? Just jumping into action and not pausing to understand the situation is not noble. It landed me a severe blow and several stitches. Here is what I find interesting about having a strong belief; we decide at a very young age what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad. Many of our beliefs are developed by the time we are 6 or 7 years old. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust my six-year-old self to decide what to believe. When we examine our beliefs, we get to decide if they are helping us or causing us to suffer more. When they are no longer helpful, we can change them. Letting go of outdated beliefs and clarifying our core values prevents most cognitive dissonance. Writing them down and identifying their origins allows us to discard what no longer serves and refine what does. By cleaning them up with better definitions and kinder words, we offer others the grace to believe differently. This process opens better lines of communication and reduces suffering, especially for moms of adults. Staying true to our core values empowers us, and we alone have the power to choose which ones to uphold. www.midlifediscoveries.com | www.facebook.com/midlifediscoveries | www.instagram.com/midlifediscoverieskd
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