Battling Inner Voices: My Journey as a Debut Author

By Tara Hodgson You’re not good enough. 

No one will read this. 

You have nothing valuable to say. 

You’re not an author. 

Who do you think you are to write a book?

These thoughts chased me throughout my journey of becoming an author. Now, nearing the release of my second book, I wish I could say the imposter syndrome has dissipated, but I’ve just gotten better at ignoring the incessant voices of doubt. They’re still there if I stop to listen, but they’re quieter. Less persistent. 

I didn’t anticipate the internal battle I faced when I decided to publish my first book, Chasing Through Time. I assumed that the process would be challenging, but fairly straightforward. I had an idea, this story burning within me, eager to get out. I spent months and months writing, editing, rewriting, deleting, and writing some more. I found a way to self-publish, helped design a cover, picked a publication date. Then, voilà! My book would be out in the world! Simple, right?

As I soon discovered, not quite. 

After publication, I had to actually tell people I wrote a book. (I’d kept it a secret from most up to that point.) I had to market that book. Promote myself on social media. Call myself ‘an author’ when I didn’t really feel like one yet. 

This is when the doubt crept in. 

You see, Chasing Through Time was a story from my heart. It was inspired by events I’ve experienced as a long-time teacher. By releasing it into the world, I finally felt like I had a medium to speak about something I’m incredibly passionate about, which is how teens’ mental health is affected by social media. This was beyond exciting, but also so vulnerable that it felt like I’d shed a layer of skin; everything was raw and sensitive. Every word uttered about Chasing Through Time would scrape along the surface and slice me to the core.

It didn’t matter that most of the reviews I received were positive; I would pick apart each and every word and only see the critique hidden within them. This would feed the negative voices still slithering around in my head.

It’s not good enough.

You should have written something else instead.

Their books are better than yours. 

What were you thinking?!

I found myself comparing the books I was reading to my own, wishing I’d expressed my character’s sadness that way or thought of that incredible description for my character’s appearance, devastated that I hadn’t thought of the words first. I can see how some people would quit at this point; the uncertainty and comparison are exhausting and, at times, almost debilitating. 

Thankfully, I didn’t quit. 

I pushed on and kept writing and somewhere along the way, I slipped on the identity of a writer and actually started feeling like one. I’ve learned that you can’t make the slithering voices go away, but you can combat them. For every unwelcome thought I’d have, I’d throw an affirmation on top. The messages from readers that I’d find buried in my Instagram, the reviews: wow, did they light me up in a way I didn’t know possible, and they helped push the negative thoughts away. They reminded me of why I wrote the book. Why I did what so many want to accomplish but never do. 

They say that your book isn’t for everyone, but it is for someone, and I remind myself of that now as I prepare to launch my second novel, At Least I’m Trying, into the world. The peeling back of my skin feels less vulnerable now, the inner voices have quieted from shouts to whispers, and I’m hoping the critiques won’t feed them the way they used to.

I don’t have it all figured out, but I do know this: my words resonated with people. If I hadn’t taken the leap, if I’d given in to the voices raging in my head, I wouldn’t have found my true passion and my words wouldn’t have reached the people they needed to. Even though ‘Why me?’ still follows me around more than I’d like, sneaking into my mind when I least expect it, I’m getting better at yelling ‘Why not?’ right back. 

So, I encourage you to write the book. Fight the voices. Chase the dream that makes your stomach twist when you think about it. You never know where it might lead you.  Connect With Tara www.tarahodgson.ca