Marie Ferguson
Standing around an open fire in a circle with 11 other women, calling on the Goddess Kali, she found herself smiling and channeling her inner she-wolf. They howled in the Winter moonlight and let loose with wild sounds and ecstatic movements, letting go, shedding stories, permitting themselves to be free, crazy, fierce. They let go of the anger, fear, pain, hurt, and the ugly, yet integrating it all as part of this experience of being WOMAN.
She embarked on her journey years prior, and it led her to this very spot. You see, she was on a Women’s Retreat called “Promiss” that her beautiful mentors and coaches at the time, who are now dear friends and soul sisters, invited her on. She’s eternally grateful for the investment in herself that truly transformed and changed the trajectory of her life and purpose. She knew through the divine Feminine and womb work, that this path was destined.
Expectations and the Unknown
She remembers when she found out she was pregnant for the second time she felt joy and hope—a brain busily planning the future. She formed expectations of a healthy pregnancy after the pregnancy and birth of her first daughter. She felt such awe, contentment, and a world of curiosity and expansion of love as her body changed. Despite the fear of the unknown, she consciously chose to go with the flow. Her assumptions and prior experiences had not proved otherwise, so of course this next pregnancy would go smoothly. After the first six-week scan, there was no heartbeat, so they thought perhaps it was too early and she’d gotten the conception date wrong. She remained hopeful and prayed that things would be okay, as her tests showed healthy rises in all levels. Two weeks later, lying on the sonographer’s bed, she remembers feeling her heart sink into a pit of darkness as she was told the news that something was wrong, and she was going to have a miscarriage—nothing was progressing. What did that mean? What did it mean for her body and what she was going to go through? No one she knew had really talked about the harsh truths of miscarriage.
Her body had reached a stage where she had to shed and release. She wasn’t expecting to have contractions—the cramps her womb used to release, clear, and cleanse her body were excruciating—she assumed they were like labor pains. She had an epidural with her firstborn, so she hadn’t experienced this level of pain before. When she called her doctor, she confirmed that this was like labor because the walls of her uterus had to release. So going to the bathroom and seeing the life she had hoped for and dreamed about get flushed down the toilet was utterly heartbreaking. The amount of blood, however, seemed like a lot. Was this normal? She was filling a pad every hour for 12 hours straight. She was hemorrhaging. The Catalyst - Grief and Surrender
The ability to surrender while on this healing journey was difficult. She ended up returning to work too soon, thinking she had done all the things to grieve. She put her focus back on her students even though she had become incredibly unwell. Her iron levels were very low. She hadn’t realized how much her body needed this mineral to function. Depleted and exhausted, she continued to push herself. Bitterness and deep frustration at all those around her churned. She kept thinking that no one was helping her, and she had to do everything herself. She felt so alone in her work and in her relationship when really, she was so supported. But in her mind, it didn’t feel like it. She realized that she was being the martyr and repeating patterns from the past, and that she was going into overwhelm and burnout. She was crying herself to sleep at night because of all the thoughts of judgment and worry and feeling like she wasn’t good enough. Being present in the darkness and void, she had her identity stripped away: the mother and nurturer, a creator of life, the supportive wife, the hard-working teacher. All of this, to finally realize she couldn’t live like this anymore. She HAD to surrender to the void and numbness of ‘not knowing.’ She had to surrender to the deepest grief she ever experienced.
She sought help. She had a psychologist that gave her many practical tools and a safe space to understand her emotions and energy flow. They taught her that emotions = Energy in Motion. They are a way for our nervous system to communicate through our body. They started reframing her relationship to her triggers, rewiring and re-building her emotional intelligence and bandwidth for herself. During this time, she also connected with two feminine life coaches and breathwork facilitators. To calm her nervous system and slow down, she needed and wanted to connect with other women who could witness her and allow her to connect and share more deeply. To connect back with her body, and her womb space. The self-love practices, and stripping away of limiting beliefs and narratives, created a version of self that was like the phoenix, rising out of the ashes. There was no turning back to the girl, or shell of a woman she was. It was time to RISE into her greatness.
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