Dont Cross the Line: Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones
- 24 hours ago
- 3 min read
By Randi-Lee Bowslaugh
When a relationship becomes unhealthy, it is either time to walk away or to set boundaries. In my brothers case, it felt like a little of both. Brandon started using drugs when he was about 14, and died when he was 37.
During that time, our sibling relationship deteriorated to the point that I had to make a difficult decision. Would I continue letting Brandon hurt me (mentally, emotionally and financially), or would I choose to protect myself and my child? By this point, it had been almost a decade of living within his addiction. It was time to choose safety. I decided that unless he was going to be clean and sober, I could not allow him to bring that into my life and, by extension, the family I was beginning.
According to healmyheart.ca, you will know it is time to set boundaries when:
You feel overwhelmed and burned out
You feel resentful toward other people and may avoid or dread interactions with others
You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return
You have no time for yourself
Not only was I overwhelmed with being a teenager going through puberty and not understanding why my brother was in and out of jail, along with my mom focusing solely on him, but I was also emotionally spent. Years later, I have been diagnosed with PTSD from that time in my life and have had to work on healing myself.
I held a lot of resentment towards Brandon for making the house feel unsafe (e.g. stealing from me), and I held resentment for my mom for ignoring my pain. This was when I started to feel depressed, but I had no words for what was happening.
When there is little support and discussion around mental health, it feels like walking through quicksand.
Gateway Foundation describes a boundary as:
They define where you end and where other people begin
They are a safeguard to overextending yourself
They are a way to create healthy relationships
They define roles in relationships, acceptable and unacceptable behaviors
They honor your values, autonomy, your self-respect, and your self-worth
They are a way to create clarity and feel safe
When I finally moved out on my own, I realized how unhealthy that situation was and that it was time to start protecting myself.
I wasnt fully equipped to explain my boundaries and used a combination of boundaries I could share as well as walls to protect my heart.
Unlike boundaries, walls are very rigid and shut people out.
As I grew and became educated on mental health, my thinking became more flexible. I wanted to share things with Brandon, but also knew there could not be much of a relationship while he was still using. It is a fine line between preserving oneself and keeping the lines of communication open with those who are in active addiction.
However, near the end, I was able to see him on Zoom and have very short conversations before they turned toxic, and I said goodbye. Knowing when to end a conversation is a skill that helps maintain healthy boundaries.
Unfortunately, I didnt know it would be the last goodbye I would say to him.
Setting boundaries with someone you care about can be scary and overwhelming. You may experience disapproval from others in your life, but they are not in your shoes; you must do what is best for your health, even when it is hard.
Article first published on https://randileebowslaugh.substack.com/
Upcoming Book (June 20, 2026)
Goodbye too Soon – A Family’s Loss by Drug Overdose
Five years after first telling her story, Randi-Lee looks back with hard-earned clarity and compassion. Addiction remains a relentless mental illness, touching lives across ages and families. Brandon was a teenager when drugs took hold, and the battle that followed reshaped everyone who loved him. In this expanded edition, Randi-Lee revisits the truths behind the eulogy, and she reflects on the boundaries she was forced to set, the heartbreak of loving from a distance, and what it truly meant to choose safety without abandoning love.
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