Emotional Strength in a Demanding World
- May 6
- 3 min read
By Alexa Szotka, LCMHC/LPC
How do you express your feelings? You may be someone that grew up learning from how your caregiver responded that it was safer to shove down your feelings and ignore what they were trying to tell you. What we were modeled and taught about emotions in childhood becomes the template for how we respond and express our emotions as adults. However, humans are adaptable, and we have the ability to learn new ways to express and regulate our emotions in hopes of better understanding ourselves and the world. Below I outline some ways that you can begin to understand and get in touch with your feelings so you can more fully show up in your life.
What does emotional strength really mean?
In my work as a trauma therapist, “emotional strength” is the ability to notice in your body what you are feeling and name it while also being able to express your feelings in an appropriate way, such as crying, journaling, art, movement, or talking to a trusted person that can validate what you are feeling. Another component of emotional strength is our ability to have a wide “window of tolerance.” Our window of tolerance is the ideal zone in which stressful life events will happen, but we can still stay calm, without becoming too overwhelmed to act. Everyone has the ability to widen our window of tolerance over time so we can feel more resilient in the face of stressful situations. One way that I do this in my work is by teaching coping skills in a titrated way so that clients learn to tolerate discomfort and then regulate back to their baseline in the hopes of working up to tackling more difficult situations.
How do boundaries protect mental health?
How I approach boundaries in my work as a therapist is through the work of therapist Prentis Hemphill, who states, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Boundaries are a way of sticking up for ourselves and stating what we are willing to tolerate in a relationship. I like to help folks frame boundaries from a perspective of what can YOU do versus what you are expecting someone else to do. We can always ask something of someone, but if the people we are in relationship with aren’t able or willing to change their behavior, then we get to follow through with what we will do going forward. For example, if you are uncomfortable with hugs from a co-worker you may tell them that you prefer a wave and then remind them of that if they continue to go in for a hug. If this continues you can reiterate that you’re not a hugger, and you can physically take a step back away from them to ensure this for yourself.
What practice helps regulate stress consistently?
One of my most recommended resources to my clients is the book “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, D.M.A. In this book the authors point to research that supports completing the stress cycle in order for us to effectively regulate stress.
The importance I teach my clients is not to focus on completing tasks and hoping to feel better, but on the actions we need to take to physiologically complete our stress response. Some of these options can include physical exercise such as dancing, riding your bike, running, walking (all for at least 20 minutes), hugging a loved one for at least 20 seconds, and crying.
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