facing my greatest fear
- Nov 6
- 5 min read
By Val Toledo
I was in my thirties, married to my first husband, a popular and charismatic entertainer, he had the draw and stage presence of Elvis Presley, I was living the life, music, dinners, and lots of status. I had forged ahead with a career outside of my profession, teaching into the masculine world of Engineering. Did I know anything about it, no, I just wanted to make a nest egg for myself as I had lost both my parents at a very young age and was driven to secure myself financially so it would soothe my fear of abandonment. I felt that as long as I was financially secure it would heal the pain I had inside me and I could be safe. Little did I know at the time, that a healed inner core was the most important and my future was to write books about healing the cellular memory and helping others do this too.
I navigated the world of conveyor systems in mines and power stations, honestly having little idea what I was selling, and used my female charms, blonde hair, and high-heeled shoes to help me get the sales in this male-dominated world. I hoped I would find my space I could call home and felt it would be my secure base. My biggest fear was being alone, no one would ever guess it, and I suffered extreme abandonment issues, I wondered, what I would do if I were left alone.
I soon burned out in this harsh field of mining and equipment to take a year's holiday sailing with my husband, in true Hollywood style.
How exciting it was to sail through the Caribbean and explore each island with its unique smells and tastes. Why did I have a nagging feeling that this would all soon end?
The fairytale did end abruptly at the end of that year, and I faced my biggest fear of abandonment, I was alone, with no partner to help me, or emotionally support me, there was a world in front of me, and I was soon to be a mother. I froze in fear, a mother for the first time, and alone. My thoughts raced around me, how do I look after a baby, can I be a good mother, will I be able to cope alone, and on and on they spun, until I became dizzy with fear and pain. I stumbled through the pregnancy as if I were in a dream watching my movie. I was completely sure that I wanted this child and had planned it, yet had no grounding or presence.
My magnificent firstborn son arrived, he was perfect in every way, I loved him instantly and he filled the hole in my soul, that had plagued me for so long. It was in this moment of motherhood, that I faced the reality of where I was truly at in my own inner form, scared, insecure, alone, and with no sense of self-worth or being. I share below an extract from my book The Upward Spiral which illustrates the moment of facing my inner wounds so clearly, this was the beginning of my journey to finding out who I was.
There I was in my circular bungalow staring at my beautiful
crisp white duvet cover and the perfectly lined yellow straw of my thatched roof. I felt as if I had been left bare and empty as if I was a void with no feeling and no identity. I looked at my beautiful baby lying in front of me, so small and perfect. How was I going to do this alone? Who was I? I had no identity, I didn't even know what made me happy, and now I had to raise this child as a whole mother. I was determined to find myself, so I could be a good mother to him. So here began my journey of finding my skin, of knowing who I was, alone in my own home, trying to seek some form of self, yet nothing was there!
Extract - The Upward Spiral - by Val Toledo.
This is where the journey began in developing my sense of self and even bigger than that, a sense of purpose, what could I do to make the world a better place and effect a positive difference. The birth of my son birthed the most incredible calling of educating the ' lost generation' of those born in the South African apartheid era, who had had no schooling or education. He became the legacy I wanted to leave as my son gave me the strength to pull myself out of the prism, I had created for myself and rise above it.
Looking back, I'm not quite sure where I got the courage and tenacity to go and see all the major corporations and advise them that they need, to survive, an education program for their mass workforce. I had a course written on a few scraps of paper, which hadn't even been typed yet. I knew in all my body and with keen intuition that this was what SA needed immediately. Painting the backdrop of the stage I was entering into, makes the story even better.
It was 1991, Mandela hadn't been released yet, and the African people were seen by many white males in companies as their enemy and would soon take their occupation away. Amidst this shaky climate, I managed to conclude some contacts and began to develop programs to educate and raise the mass workforce opportunities, as well as create a career pathing initiative.
This company ran most successfully for eight years, I remarried had three more children, and continued my journey of transformation, never suspecting that soon I would be birthing another huge program to help all who needed guidance on how they could birth their superhuman, version of themselves. I had never planned this, my focus was on my second husband, my children, and my home. There was never any inkling to write the upward spiral series.
The moment arrived years later, another mission and purpose, and my higher self beckoned me to a meeting with my intuition sitting at the head of the table, and I was advised that the time had come to bring in another initiative that could help shift people into their greatest power and potential. My life journey had all been planned and put into place for this very moment. There was born the upward spiral book, I have dedicated my life to, up until today, to spread this knowledge to help others.
Sneak preview below.
As the author of "The Upward Spiral", and "The Upward Spiral - Journey into Action," I am passionate about guiding others on their journey to personal transformation and empowerment. My work centres around uncovering and rewiring subconscious patterns, enabling individuals to achieve their fullest potential. My latest project, "The Alchemy Frequency Diary," offers a unique blend of daily motivation, mindfulness practices, and transformative exercises designed to help people maintain their growth and achieve lasting change.
This project, holding the frequency of joy and passion, has given me so much fulfilment, and I can't wait to share it with those who hear the calling. When the time is right the student will appear, and simply say,
"I am here, I'm ready now to embark on the greatest journey my soul could have chosen, the journey of finding my true divinity, my essence and my purpose, to place my unique hand print in a specific corner of the world".
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