Nicole Kolb
Do you find yourself asking, 'Will I ever just feel better again?' I know that question all too well. After losing my identical twin girls, Storm, my stillborn, and her sister Logan, who survived just two and a half days, my world shattered. It was a stark contrast... life and death, rage and love, despair and hope. What happened next was my own personal hell, and I was determined to find my way out.
On January 10, 2019, I became a first-time mom; by January 13, I had no children. In the following months, while searching for answers, I became pregnant with my healthy baby boy, Rogan, and 10 months later, a single mom. The shock and trauma consumed me for years, leaving me feeling frozen in a living hell, yet every morning, I mustered the courage to face another day.
I never thought I'd find peace, love, and laughter again, but I did, and it's available for you too. Healing from such immeasurable loss takes time, community, and courage. For me, courage meant getting out of bed each day, even when I wanted time to stop.
If my words resonate with you, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. And please know, that healing is possible. The first step is giving yourself time to process what happened. If I could start over, I'd allow myself more grace, more time to just be, cry, and scream, understanding that no feeling is final.
Unconditional love first became real to me in the NICU, holding my daughter Logan's tiny foot. Surrounded by tubes and the beeps of machines, I whispered, 'You got this, my baby. Keep fighting.' This moment was a turning point, teaching me about unconditional love and the beginning of my journey into self-love. Months later, as tears streamed down my face in front of my bathroom mirror, I realised that if I could create something so perfect, I must be perfect too. It started with a simple phrase, 'I am lovable,' repeated until it finally took root. Truthfully, I never wanted children initially, but life had other plans. My pregnancy with Rogan, born from trauma, didn't allow me the joy I had heard about. Becoming a single mom added to the overwhelming challenge. I had to dig deep, finding strength and compassion within myself, to be the pillar my son needed.
A turning point in my journey came with the tragic loss of my magical friend, who, unable to bear the pain of her own baby loss, chose to end her life. This heartbreaking event gave me a deeper understanding of the profound effects of such grief and reinforced my commitment to supporting others through their darkest times.
This realisation led to another distressing thought – what if I lost Rogan too? This fear made me recognise the need for a purpose beyond my child. I had to find something greater, echoing those who say, 'find a purpose bigger than yourself.' That's why I'm sharing my story – to discover my true purpose and help others navigate their journey through baby loss.
Healing from the loss of a baby is a path paved with courage, self-discovery, and unconditional love. It's about understanding that grief is not a linear process, and it's okay to seek help – through therapy, support groups, or simply by connecting with others who understand your pain.
If you're walking this difficult path, remember that you're not alone. You are stronger than you know, and with time, community, and self-love, you can find peace and joy again. Your journey of healing is an inward one, you have the power to save your own life.
To connect with me and learn more about my journey, visit www.thenicolekolb.com. Together, we can walk this path of healing and rediscover our own inner strength
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