The very word conjures up an array of frightful images and scenarios that we know every human being on this planet will experience at least once in their lifetime, yet, nobody wants to speak the words. Society is terrified of the ‘D’ word and it is spoken in whispers and behind closed doors; if at all, and so when it happens, for many it invokes reactions that can be confusing, scary, debilitating, and irrational and it is easy to question our own sanity as we strive to make sense of this exhausting, devastating, shattering the mind, body, and spirit in all directions reaction to a death.
‘Death comes to us all’ whispers the princess in Braveheart and no truer word was ever spoken. That is the truth, the reality of life, and depending on what you believe it is either the end or the beginning of another chapter on your journey. But regardless of belief, grief will become a part of your life whether you want it or not...And who in their right mind would ask for it?
Grief is the dark creature that crawls into your existence and remains uninvited until you have the strength to banish it back to the shadows...Until another loss occurs and there it is again, sometimes stronger, sometimes easier to vanquish, and that in itself can create puzzlement, guilt, and shame depending on what the head is telling you. Why didn’t I cry as much this time or why is the pain worse with this death?
When I work with clients, I remind them that words have power. What you say out loud and to yourself will create a condition that your body and spirit will react to. I know grief can feel as if it will never be healed, never release you from its nasty grip and you will suffer for the rest of your life, but the reality is, ‘forever’ is a long time and humans have an amazing capacity to find life again when they are ready.
It may not be roses in full bloom kind of life again, especially if the death you grieve was horrific in some way, but it can be a life IF you are willing to work through the grief, work through the emotions that run full pelt through your mind, body, and spirit and want to live, know your worth and find self-love again.
ALL feelings and reactions to death are valid and should be recognised and accepted. They may not be understood, but that does not mean they should be diminished. What one person sees as painless death as their grandmother dies peacefully in her sleep aged 98, can traumatise another for not being at her bedside to say goodbye or she was the last link to the past. What one person may construe as a release if a family member has suffered for years battling a disease and finally gives up and dies, can be an agonising loss for someone else because at least they were there to talk to.
No two people will EVER grieve the same way and it is important to acknowledge this within society. Sadly, too many employers expect their employees to return to work 100% a few days after a death in the family or neighbours compare the reaction times to someone else with a similar loss down the road.
“It’s been 2 months, why are you still making a fuss? Maggie down the road is back at work and going out with her friends after her husband died six weeks ago...”
I hear variations of this sad story of comparison a lot!
When people take the time to understand grief and remember how they felt and what others around them experienced. When people start talking openly and honestly about death, dying, grieving, making a will, funeral wishes, and anything related to death, only then can we lessen the fear and shock, the guilt and shame that death and grief bring and perhaps change people’s perception, their reaction, their expectations and embrace love and compassion, kindness and understanding around this topic that affects us all.
With Love.
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with Paula J Roscoe
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