Healing Isn’t Linear: The Truth About Recovering from Grief
- Jun 21
- 4 min read
By Valerie Page Pendleton & Lane Pease Hendricks, MS, NCC, Director of Education and Innovative Programs at Kate’s Club
Our world crumbled, Valerie Page Pendleton
The hardest thing I ever had to do in life was tell my children that their father had passed. It felt like the world was crumbling around me and my sons.
Just nine months before their father died in October 2022, my father died in January 2022. Before that, my oldest son Donta’s father died in October 2021.
Donta said to me, and I’ll never forget those words:
“Mommy, what is wrong with me? Why does God keep taking all the men that I love?”
Your heart breaks when your children are hurting, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. I knew my sons and I needed resources and support.
I advised my sons’ pediatrician that I was having a difficult time finding help for my children, and she recommended a group-based program in our area. I visited the website and submitted my application as soon as I could, one month after my husband died.
Supporting families like the Pendletons, Lane Pease Hendricks
All of us, if we haven’t already, will experience the death of someone close to us. Yet even though grief is inevitable, our society doesn’t give us the tools to talk about it.
Since I started working in bereavement support 13 years ago, I’ve met so many families like Valerie’s who are grieving and need a shoulder to lean on.
These families will often ask me, “Lane, how long does it take to recover from grief?”
I’ve been in their position before. When my daughters were nine months and four years old, my first husband died. I know how hard it is to hear the truth, that there’s no way to “recover” from grief. However, I also have good news.
While we grief professionals consider grief a lifelong experience you can’t truly “recover” from, there are ways to cope.
I watched my daughters grieve at each new developmental stage, but because we kept open communication about their father and feelings, I saw their loss become a part of their stories, but not the only part.
In the article “Growing Around Grief,” Dr. Lois Tonkin explains that people tend to believe grief shrinks over time. Instead, in her theory, the size of our grief stays the same, and we collect new experiences, memories and coping mechanisms that help us grow around that grief, so with time it doesn’t feel all-consuming.
This is one of our many philosophies at Kate’s Club, the bereavement organization where I work. In serving children, teens, families and young adults, I have seen the power of a supportive community when you’re grieving.
Our programs are all group-based and rooted in support, connection and fun because we know the best way to cope with grief is finding an understanding community. When we are open about our grief and talk about it with others, we feel a lot less alone.
If you yourself are grieving, we encourage you to find a supportive community. There are many organizations that offer group-based and recreational programs. Many therapists and faith organizations also have discussion groups for people experiencing grief.
If you know someone who’s grieving – and chances are we all do – then welcome them to sit with you through grief’s ups and downs. Ask them to share memories about their person who died or share some of your own memories if you knew them.
It’s also helpful to make your support tangible. Say, “I’ll be awake until 11 if you want to call,” so they know exactly when you’re available. Ask a direct question like, “Do you need someone to pick up the kids from school on Wednesday?”
More often than not, someone who is grieving just needs to feel less alone. If we’re all more open about grief, then it won’t feel like a dark and lonely experience that we have to “recover” from. Instead, we can share its heavy moments, light moments, and each moment in between. Together, we can create a world in which it’s okay to grieve.
A brighter future, Valerie Page Pendleton
When my family started attending group grief support, none of us knew what to expect.
The boys were especially hesitant. Donta thought talking about his feelings was going to be “useless,” but after a few programs, he understood the power of opening up about his feelings. Donta has said these programs made him realize it’s okay to cry and men have feelings too.
I’ve noticed that my kids are in touch with their emotions and their feelings. They know how to read the room and others around them.
My younger sons are more energized. They take on creative projects, like writing, directing and producing their own movies. They work together, and I can tell their bond is stronger than ever.
As for myself, these fun grief support groups have changed my life. I’ve met some amazing families and friends here. It has helped me to understand my grief process and my children’s grief process, and it’s helped me to understand that it’s okay not to be okay. Because of this grief support, I feel that my children’s future is going to be a bright one.
Connect With Valerie & Lane
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