by Kate Gigax
Have you ever considered and decided against raising a point in a meeting only to watch a peer raise the same point and add value? Or maybe you are getting great results but you have an inner critic in your head telling you that your results are never good enough. Most of us relate one – or both – of these instances. Even the most successful, high-achieving women face fear, hesitation and doubt. What if we could reduce it, even just a little?
Every one of us has heard the whisper; the idea we think and do not act on, the unwritten book/art/big project/job change our brain keeps reminding us about. Often, we respond to the whisper with a rebuttal along the lines of “who am I to do that?” or “certainly someone more qualified than me is already doing it.” These rebuttals we offer ourselves stem from our limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. And we live our lives as though they are true. For some of us, limiting beliefs are not at the level of conscious awareness. For others, limiting beliefs are conscious and may have even been expressed to us at some point by someone in a position of authority like a parent or coach. Adopting a limiting belief is the equivalent of having an application open in the background that’s drawing down the efficiency of our device. And we update our devices all the time, yet we hardly ever do that for our mindset. Just like our phones, our mindset updates may take some time if it has been a while.
As an executive coach specializing in working with high-achieving women, I find that women have been socialized to struggle with “enough-ness” whether that’s being smart enough, talented enough, working hard enough, being good enough as a friend, partner, etc. This may be, in part, due to the “Good Girl Syndrome” many of us were raised with which conditioned us to attune to expectations of being polite, agreeable, happy, and attractive. For many high achievers, we use these expectations as a measuring stick and it can be difficult to ever feel like we are enough.
What is a limiting belief that you have about yourself that might be holding you back? Are you an underdog? A perfectionist? These narratives are neither “good” nor “bad.” Usually, they are a little bit of both, serving us in some ways and holding us back in others. However, many of the narratives we hold onto so tightly are not actually true. Ask yourself, is your narrative true? How does it serve you? How does it not serve you?
A limiting belief I carried for long time was that I was not intelligent enough. I adopted this due to an experience I had in elementary school where I scored low on a standardized test, though we later determined it was due to an error on the scoring sheet. Now for the question: Is it true? I didn’t have hard evidence that my intelligence was somehow less than others. I got good grades, was an avid reader and enjoyed learning. How did it serve me? I worked my tail off which resulted in good grades, scholarships, job offers and promotions! How did it not serve me? It crushed my confidence and made me a workaholic. I rarely felt a sense of accomplishment because all I could see was the opportunity for improvement. Nothing was ever enough. That was a narrative I needed to upgrade.
Neuroscience tells us that it is impossible to deconstruct old wiring in the brain, but it is easy to create new wiring. So, keep in mind, the goal is to interrupt yourself from the old pattern when it creeps in (“ugh, this isn’t good enough”), not to eradicate the thought entirely. Let’s get to rewiring:
1. Notice: you may have already taken the first step which is to notice the limiting belief. Now, pay attention to how much it shows up for you.
2. Develop an alternative thought: the alternative thought needs to be both credible and true. It is rarely the opposite of the limiting belief. That’s why the “I am enough” mantra is insufficient for many; our brains will very quickly invalidate that as untrue and not credible in a moment of stress and pressure. The alternative thought should be generous (e.g., “I am human; there’s no expectation of perfection”).
3. Practice interrupting the old thought and replacing it with the new one: this final phase can take years to implement. The old wiring may have been in place for years, or even decades, so the new wiring will take some practice. The key is to notice yourself heading down the old pathway and to compassionately redirect your thinking toward the alternative thought again, and again, and again until it becomes natural.
When we can consistently redirect our limiting beliefs to new and unbound thoughts, we are less likely to feel that familiar fear, hesitation and doubt that holds us back. Ideally, the alternative thoughts lead us to feel capable, safe and more self-assured. When we feel capable, safe and self-assured, we are more likely to bet on ourselves. To be unstoppable, we need to keep betting on ourselves…and believing it’s a good bet.
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