by Ardenna Downing
I experience life as everyone else and while I am a therapist, I am human first. Since late summer of 2023, I have experienced quite a bit of transition including a big one: moving from one state to another. When I think about moving, what comes to mind are the typical stressors such as cleaning, sorting items to keep and discard or give away, looking for a new place to live, etc. Big moves such as moving out of state can include adjustments such as cultural considerations, learning new norms and laws, finding your way around a foreign place, etc. People in the world do this every day. I want to refrain from assuming that moving from one neighborhood to the next is a smaller stressor compared to moving from one city, state, or even country from another.
The reason for this is because everything is subjective, meaning that there are differing perspectives on the matter, and what is considered super stressful and traumatizing for one person may not have the same magnitude for another person. This is where the concept of disenfranchised grief comes in to play. Disenfranchised grief is essentially grief that is typically overlooked, minimized, and considered unimportant by societal standards. I call it the stepchild of grief because it doesn’t get as much attention as other circumstances associated with grief such as loss of a parent, child,etc. Some examples of disenfranchised grief include divorce, loss of a pet, an extended family member, new job, racialized trauma, medical diagnosis, etc.
One specific relational example of disenfranchised grief is when a domestic violence survivor’s abusive partner dies, or if they have broken up or divorced. For those outside of the relationship, there may be a sense of relief, maybe even happiness for the survivor. But sometimes, we forget that the survivor may have still loved their partner, did not want to end the relationship, and may miss the person. Admitting this out loud can be painful and influence feelings of guilt and shame.
A lot of times in society we are expected to just “suck it up,” and move on, but when we consistently have these “hits” of transitions and change, even when positive, and we don’t process it, are not validated or are only celebrated for the change (graduation, divorce, new job) we lose the courage and capacity to grieve and feel the challenging mixed emotions that come along with the change. Everyone isn’t happy about getting a divorce even if it’s something that will lead to a healthier life. Graduating from school and starting a new job can be positive experiences, but at the same time we are moving on from something that had been a part of our life. We can be happy about the change, and also feel sad, anxious, fearful, etc.
Moving, as mentioned before can have some of the same dynamics. For example my decision to move was not an easy choice and while I was excited to embark on a new journey, I also have felt, and still feel moments of sadness, stress, etc. while I adjust to the change. Also, we have to consider that this was MY choice; It wasn’t a move based upon some sort of crisis, yet there are many people who do move under dire circumstances and still experience disenfranchised grief.
So what do we do about this? For myself, I have had to allow room to grieve, provide flexibility and grace and nurture positive thoughts while also attending to negative ones about my decision. Reframing our thoughts about ourselves while we experience transition and change, while also not minimizing our feelings is key. Reflecting on and understanding how new experiences can provide insight into who you were, are, and will be is also important. Sometimes disenfranchised grief gives us the opportunity to evaluate the relationships around us. Knowing your supportive tribe; the ones who are understanding of the nuances of change is valuable. Time does not heal all, but does give opportunity for reflection and moments of determining what perspective is important to allow us the ability to work through the grief we may be experiencing. For me, the moments of grief associated with transitions and changes have provided me insight into who I am including what strengthens me and provides a sense of joy, along with better understanding challenges and areas of growth. Time has also allowed me to reflect on the importance of grace with transition and change. If we think about previous life experiences, at one point in time they were also new, and we needed to adjust. Being aware of this is important as we continue on with new journeys in life; we have the capability of adapting and changing.
Exploring and knowing your “anchors,” the aspects of you that are unchanging despite circumstances, can contribute to personal empowerment and strength. My anchors are the arts, spirituality and faith background, friends, family and certain material possessions that have significant meaning and are with me no matter where I am in the world. I will be okay, and I invite you to do the same! We got this!
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