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She Rises Studios

SELF-ESTEEM

Written By Reesy Neff Mirror Mirror on the wall, I don’t see what you see at all! I’m about to get really vulnerable. 

I remember the first time I felt “different”. In fourth grade, our teacher lined everyone up in the classroom to measure our height and weight. I don’t always remember my specific weight during specific times in my life. Having a scale would have been a luxury item we couldn’t afford. I do remember the number that day. I weighed 104 pounds. 


As children do, everyone discussed “their” numbers. I was on average about 15 pounds heavier than my friends. The truth was I was an early bloomer. That is not what I thought or felt. It was the first time I felt fat. It would not be the last. Label attached. Through my teenage years, this trend of weighing slightly more than my friends continued. It was also the 80’s. Have you seen the women on television and in magazines I was comparing myself to back then? If you are not, Google it. It’s worth a Google. Thin was in. No booties, stomachs, and thin thighs. Not me. 


In addition to “fat,” I found another label. In the morning I would walk out for breakfast and greet by my mother with “Phew you sure are ugly without makeup” which was quickly followed up with a kind of “compliment” (not really) and a typical Southern response to erase whatever bad thing you may have said or done (no it’s no “bless your heart”) “but you sure are pretty to me”. Now I was fat, and I couldn’t leave the house without makeup. After all, I was ugly without it. My mother told me so.


As a typical teenage girl, I wanted a boyfriend badly. Most of my beautiful skinny friends had boyfriends or at minimum boys wanting to be their boyfriends. Without dating apps or social media, it was common for friends to help find your perfect mate. I was often described as “the chubby girl with the pretty face”. At 15 I was wearing the labels fat, ugly without makeup, and chubby girl with a pretty face. I started my first diet and wore makeup every day in an attempt to hide these labels. 


No wonder I suer from self-esteem issues! These are challenging labels to get rid of when you’ve worn them your whole life. What’s interesting is I look back at pictures of myself and I don’t see those things. I don’t look fat. Yes, there were girls who were shaped differently than me. However, I wasn’t really fat. I’ve examined my face quite a bit without makeup and I think my facial features are rather nice. Still, almost every time I see a picture of myself, I see that 1-5-year-old girl. I pick apart her every aw, real or not. 


I don’t think I’m alone in this camp. I believe there are a lot of us doing exactly the same thing. The struggle is real. How do we x it? How do we recycle these labels? My answer is you change the lens in which you are looking out of.


I want to share something someone shared with me. It is also something I try to remember on those days when I am strapping those labels back on instead of stripping them o. Have you ever seen a beautiful sunset or sunrise? I have seen very beautiful ones. I quickly take out my phone and snap a picture. I look at the picture. I look at the sunset. I look at the picture. Wait a minute. While the picture may be beautiful, it never quite captures all the beauty of the real thing. Perhaps, that’s the problem. I’m looking at myself through the wrong lens. Are you? 


This is my battle. I fight it almost daily. The truth is I’ve allowed these labels to dictate too much of my life. It’s time to rip them o, change the lens and see the beauty in my true self. I’m able to do it with others. I see beauty every day in all the amazing women I surround myself with. I don’t see fat or makeup. I see bright shining eyes. I see authentic kind souls. I see strong, powerful women. I don’t look at them through a lens. I see them. 


Do you need to remove the lens and rip the labels? For me, it’s hard work. I can do hard. I will continue the fight. I will remove the lens and hopefully find beauty in myself. I hope you will join me if you need to do it too. Let’s do it together. reesy.neff |    reesyneff Omega Ecycles



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