Triplets and Suicide Loss
- Apr 7
- 3 min read
By Barbara Rubel, MS, MA, BCETS,DAAETS
Three weeks before my triplets were born, I was placed on hospital bed rest for a high-risk pregnancy. That’s when I learned that my father had died by suicide. Because of medical restrictions, I was not permitted to attend his funeral. In those devastating days, I held on to whatever strength I could find. After returning home, I focused on learning how to cope with stress and traumatic loss. Mindfulness and clear boundaries helped me remain grounded when everything else seemed unsure.
Emotional strength did not come quickly. It developed slowly, supported by self-compassion. Over time, I came to find calm in chaos and to meet challenges with greater confidence. My loss taught me that when we understand and guide our emotions, we can transform painful experiences into personal and post-traumatic growth.
Grief, change, and disappointment are universal, which makes it essential to notice and name our emotions, especially after a traumatic loss. Developing affective regulation and resilience helps us cultivate inner strength. Regulation calms the nervous system and allows us to react deliberately rather than react from stress. Simple practices, such as slow, deep breathing, can help restore a feeling of control during emotional intensity. Resilience enables us to process loss, adapt, and move forward.
Some individuals have experienced early neglect, loss, or trauma due to caregivers who were inconsistent or unpredictable. These early attachments may shape how we handle stress, grief, and relationships in adulthood. Old emotional wounds may surface as physical reactions during stressful moments. Even so, emotional strength is accessible to everyone. Regardless of our past, we can learn new ways to cope by fully engaging our strengths—such as curiosity, courage, or determination—and by creating a different path for ourselves.
As a keynote speaker, I focus on compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma, and have seen the necessity of boundaries. They protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. They help conserve energy and prevent overwhelm. When we set up healthy boundaries, we honor our needs, strengthen self-respect, and create space for supportive relationships. Our bodies often signal when a boundary has been crossed through tension, shallow breathing, or fatigue. Paying attention to these signs is vital. If boundary-setting was not modeled in childhood, patterns of overextension may continue into adulthood. Learning to stand up for yourself is self-care.
Somatic practices serve a key role in managing stress and grief. These practices activate the parasympathetic nervous system, allowing the body to shift from constant alertness to a state of calm and balance. Gentle movement, grounding, and slow breathing can soothe an overwhelmed nervous system and support emotional regulation. Practiced consistently, these techniques build greater capacity to cope with life’s challenges. Remember, choosing self-care is a powerful devotion to your well-being. What small step might you take today to care for yourself?
Finally, I encourage cultivating moments of awe—experiences that connect us to something larger than ourselves. When my newborn triplets cried for the first time, the stillness of the delivery room was shattered, and every ordinary sound felt extraordinary.
After 9/11, I stood on a Brooklyn stoop as a firefighter’s casket passed and the city became silent in collective reverence. As a hospice bereavement coordinator, I have held the hands of those nearing death, feeling the world narrow to a single fragile breath. Awe—joyful, tragic, intimate, and communal—intensifies our engagement with life. Alongside gratitude, it nurtures resilience, meaning, and receptivity to possibility, even in the face of uncertainty. Strength, mindfulness, awe, and gratitude are the foundation of well-being. What are you most grateful for?
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