What 15 Years in Therapy Has Taught Me About Leading with Heart
- Apr 7
- 3 min read
By Aja Chavez, LMFT, LPCC
VP of Adolescent Services at Mission Prep Healthcare
I remember sitting across from a CEO who had just been told by his board that his team feared him. "I get results", he said. "Isn't that what matters?" That session changed how I think about leadership and connection.
Why does humanity matter in leadership?
In my years working with clients through trauma and transformation, I've seen something consistent. The leaders who struggle most aren't the ones who lack intelligence. They're the ones who forgot they're leading people, not machines.
When I work with someone using EMDR, we're helping them reconnect with their full emotional experience. That's exactly what leadership needs. You can have the best strategy in the world, but if your team doesn't feel valued, they'll never bring their best selves to work. I've watched managers transform their departments simply by starting to notice when someone seems off. By asking "How are you really doing?" and actually waiting for an answer. When people feel like they matter as humans, they invest differently. They show up differently.
The leaders I admire most are the ones who understand that their job isn't just to direct traffic. It's to create an environment where people can do their best work, and that only happens when they feel safe enough to be honest about their struggles and their ideas.
How can empathy coexist with authority?
This is the question I get asked most often, and I understand why it feels like a contradiction. We've been taught that being in charge means being tough, maybe even distant. But that's not what I've seen work.
Empathy doesn't mean you can't make hard decisions. I've had to set firm boundaries with clients who weren't ready to do the work. But I did it while still holding space for their humanity. The same applies to leadership. You can tell someone their performance isn't meeting expectations while also acknowledging that you understand they're going through a difficult time. You can hold people accountable and still show them you care about their growth and wellbeing.
In fact, I'd argue that empathy makes authority more effective. When people know you genuinely see them and care about them, they're more likely to trust your guidance, even when it's uncomfortable. They know the feedback is coming from a place of investment in their success, not judgment of their worth.
What emotional skill needs more recognition?
Without question, it's emotional regulation. We talk about empathy and compassion all the time, but we don't talk enough about the ability to manage our own emotional reactions.
In my therapy room, I see highly successful people who fall apart when they feel criticized. I see parents who love their children deeply but can't stop themselves from yelling. I see leaders who tank important conversations because they can't tolerate discomfort. Learning to pause between feeling and reacting can make a big difference. It's what allows you to stay present when someone is upset with you. It's what helps you respond thoughtfully instead of defensively. It's what makes space for actual connection instead of just emotional discharge.
This isn't about suppressing emotions. It's about developing the capacity to feel them fully while choosing how you respond. That's the foundation of everything else we value in emotional intelligence. You can't truly listen to someone else's pain if you're too busy managing your own discomfort. You can't lead with compassion if you're constantly in fight or flight mode.
The good news is that this skill can be learned. It takes practice and often requires working through our own emotional history, but it's possible. And it changes everything.
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