When the Shame is Louder Than the Strategy

May 19
3 min read

Updated: Jun 2

By Jacqueline Crider

The untold side of financial freedom—and why doing it “right” doesn’t always feel right.

You followed the rules. Paid off the debt. Built the savings. Created the budget. And still—some nights, you lie awake wondering if it could all vanish. What if you're not doing enough? What if it’s too late to get it together? What if—despite everything—you’re just not cut out for this?

I know that feeling. Because I’ve lived it—deeply.

I grew up in a house where money was talked about. My mom made me read Sound Mind Investing in seventh grade. I understood the mechanics. I learned to save, to plan, to hustle. But the truth? I still didn’t trust myself with money.

That lack of trust shaped everything. I gave up financial control in my first marriage because I believed my impulse to spend made me unfit to manage money. That decision—rooted in shame—led to financial abuse. And when the marriage ended, the chaos didn’t stop. It escalated.

I spiraled. Broke my own budget. Racked up debt. Operated in survival mode.

And here’s the part most financial advice never covers: The problem wasn’t my budget. It was my biology.

Most of us weren’t taught to trust ourselves with money—we were taught to fear it. We grew up with tight grocery lists, whispered arguments over bills, or guilt around asking for more. And so, even when things look “better” on the outside… the fear stays.

Because your body isn’t wired for wealth. It’s wired for safety.

If your nervous system is still operating from a place of survival, then no raise, no savings goal, no spreadsheet will ever make you feel secure.

I had to unlearn that. And just in time—because life tested it.

My daughter was born eight weeks early. We spent 47 days in the NICU. Right after, my business was blindsided—we were dropped from our brokerage, lost our pipeline, and took a 30% pay cut. Then the market turned. And then—our dream home, under contract to sell, flooded from a faucet left running for days. Over $300,000 in damages.

Ten years ago? That would’ve wrecked me. But I didn’t spiral. I didn’t freeze. Why?

Because I had done the work. I had reset my nervous system. I had learned to trust myself.

Financial freedom isn’t a number in your bank account. It’s how calm you stay when the numbers drop, when things go wrong.

If you’ve ever thought:

“Maybe I’m just not built for financial success.”

“At my age, I shouldn’t still be struggling with this.”

“If people knew how bad it got… they’d judge me.”