Why Confidence Collapses After Change— And How to Rebuild It
By Alison Mann, LCSW
Unexpected and drastic change is something I am no stranger to. As a young girl, I started losing my hair due to Alopecia Areata and since age 6 I have been completely bald. If there is anything that hair loss forced me to face early, it was how to build real genuine confidence after drastic and permanent change. Now as a licensed therapist, I help my patients through this process too because everyone deserves peaceful embodiment.
One of the most foundational things to understand about confidence is that it is a skill, not a personal trait that you have or don’t have. Everyone has the ability to build their confidence muscle. When changes or setbacks occur, it often makes it more difficult for someone to practice the skill of confidence because they are entering uncharted territory. It is making you question things you thought you knew about yourself because it is your first time navigating something new. You may start having thoughts of “Why can’t I get back to what I felt like before?” or “Why am I still struggling?” but I am here to tell you that these thoughts don’t mean you have lost your confidence.
As a therapist, I see this pattern is my office each day. And as a human, I have lived it many times too. The practice of confidence always feels easier when life feels predictable. However, the only way we continue to build a stronger foundation of confidence is based on how we respond to setbacks. Essentially, I am offering you this reframe as it relates to hard moments — change and setbacks are essential building blocks to strengthening your confidence, and without them, your confidence will become stagnant.
When life throws you curve balls, you are given a golden opportunity to sharpen your confidence. So what does this actually look like in practice? Here are 5 ways to approach your setbacks so that you can come out on the other side feeling stronger than ever:
1. Take it one day and one small step at a time, even when self-doubt is loud
Confidence is not built in big dramatic moments or wins, it is actually built through the quieter day to day moments. Waiting until you feel “ready” will likely keep you waiting for a long time. Instead of waiting, break down your goal into much smaller steps. Taking micro steps will help build momentum and self-trust.
2. Self-compassion in hard moments
Your inner-critic will likely try to knock you down further after a setback, but it is crucial to catch these moments and reframe them with self-compassion. The louder you let your inner critic get without keeping it in check will keep you feeling stuck.
3. Make decisions aligned with your values, not fear
Confidence strengthens when you make decisions in alignment with the things that matter most to you. Take stock of what areas of your life feel out of alignment with your values, and become intentional with making decisions to fill these gaps.
4. Ask yourself “If I felt confident, what would look different about my current day to day?”
Write out an entire list of how your life would be tangibly different if you felt confident again. Would you be waking up earlier? Would you have different relationships? Whatever it may be, write it down then go back to step 1 and breakdown how you can get there through small steps!
5. Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small it feels
I will say this firmly: every single step deserves to be acknowledged. Do not downplay progress to “well I could have done more” because this will only keep you farther from your goals. The foundation of getting to where you want to be can only be achieved through small sustainable steps.
Without acknowledging these steps along the way, you may find yourself with less motivation to keep going.
I want to validate how hard it can be to practice these steps during a period of life that feels so full of negatives and I also want you to know it is possible. If you’re noticing these struggles are becoming unmanageable, it is always okay to ask for help! No one should have to walk through challenges alone, and I can speak from my own experience that support was crucial for my own confidence journey.
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