Embracing Solitude: A Journey to Self-Love and Connection
- May 29
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 2
By DK Hillard
We’ve all heard these words so many times: “You must learn to love yourself.” And yet, for many of us, they can feel almost impossible to truly grasp. I know this because I’ve heard them over and over throughout my life, only to dismiss them each time. I believed that there had to be something grander in store for me, something beyond the simplicity of “self-love.” That was my ego speaking, not my soul.
Now, in my seventh decade, those words have finally started to sink in. Learning to love yourself is a journey we all must take in our own way. It’s a truth many of us may resist, but it's one we cannot escape. Trauma survivors, in particular, are often hard-wired to look outside of themselves, believing that there is someone or something out there better than we are. We are taught to think we don't know what we know, that the answers lie outside of us, but time and time again, I've found that the truth, the answers to nearly every challenge I've faced, have always been within me.
I recall a time nearly 20 years ago, when I was alone in a hotel room in San Francisco. My husband was away on business, and I wasn’t feeling well enough to go out. I found myself deeply reflecting and, as I often do, I went to the mirror and looked into my own eyes. It was a simple act, one I had done countless times before—both for myself and with clients when I was a coach. But this time, I was in a different state of being and what I saw in the mirror took me by surprise. It was as if I had traveled back through time. My eyes spoke to me, showing me glimpses of who I was, of everything I had lived through. I saw pain, yes, but also wisdom beyond measure. In those eyes, I saw both the deepest darkness and the brightest light imaginable. And in that moment, I knew who I was. I bridged the gap between worlds, outside of time and space, and saw my soul staring back at me. It was a moment I will never forget.
This is what I mean when I talk about self-love. It’s about being with myself, alone yet connected, seeing the truth of who I am and learning to love all that I see. My strength and frailties. My wisdom and ignorance. My beauty and my flaws. Self-love must come first before anything else can fall into place. By honoring all that I am—and all that I am not—I no longer have to run from myself. I have found a home in my own skin. I no longer judge or condemn myself. Instead, I turn to myself for the wisdom I seek and the answers I need. I trust myself above all others, and I honor what I need and desire as if I were loving the most precious being on earth.
Solitude opens the space for me to commune with my soul and the spirits that guide me, allowing me to strengthen those relationships. It provides me with the opportunity to hold my own hand through this journey called life.
If you take anything from my story, let it be this: self-love is not a destination but a practice—a daily choice to honor who you are. The more you cultivate it, the more you'll find peace in your own skin and guidance in your own heart. And remember, you are never truly alone.
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