Gratitude at Work: When Appreciation Becomes Pressure
- Nov 13
- 3 min read
By Elizabeth Vahey Smith
As the emphasis on gratitude in the workplace grows, we need to recognize a vital nuance. While our intention is to help employees feel appreciated, we might inadvertently communicate a subtext that leads to undue pressure and burnout.
I learned this the hard way years ago when my top performer was on the brink of burnout. Gratitude was plentiful: “You’re a rockstar,” “Great job catching that,” “What would we do without you!” So I was shocked when she shared what she had internalized: “If I’m not constantly vigilant, something will get missed,” “I’m responsible for this company succeeding,” “I can’t take time off without everything falling apart.”
“No, no, no,” I backpedaled. “You’re an integral part of a bigger team. The whole team is why this company succeeds. You’re great at noticing important details, but if a mistake is made, we’ll just fix it. Your job isn’t making sure we never make a mistake…”
But the stress of operating under a pressure of responsibility above her paygrade had led to burnout. It was a long road to recovery and reframing her role.
How Trauma Impacts How We Hear Gratitude
Since then, I’ve heard many similar stories in my research on how trauma impacts the workplace. Most often, I’ve seen this misconstruing of gratitude among high-achievers and people-pleasers. Many of these people learned from a young age that they were valued - or even loved - based on their performance; the recognition of their performance effectively established a new baseline expectation.
In the workplace, when a supervisor expresses gratitude, an employee with this history might internalize it as a new expectation: They’re now “the one who catches mistakes” or “the one who goes the extra mile.” With identity thus defined, they feel pressured to always perform at that level, or else risk no longer being a “valuable team player.”
Others may have learned that they could not count on the people around them to follow through. For these individuals, not only does such praise affirm their fears that other people are dropping the ball, but reinforces their internal narrative that they have to do everything themselves, or else everything will fall apart.
Giving Gratitude Strategically
Our intention isn’t the only thing that matters; it’s the impact that packs the punch. While we yearn for gratitude to be simple - a few sincere words, a gesture of appreciation, a boost to morale - miscommunication abounds and employees can hear things we never intended to say. We meant it as a pat on the back, but they can feel the weight of the world on their shoulders.
This doesn’t lessen the value of gratitude, but emphasises the importance in aligning our intentions and impact. The following strategies help expressions of gratitude land exactly as intended:
Ask how they like to receive gratitude. Some team members have strong preferences because of previous experiences. We can adapt our methods to honor their preferences.
Avoid hyperbole. Over-the-top expressions like “You saved the day!” or “Don’t ever leave us!” can feel like an unwanted promotion from team player to team savior.
Acknowledge extras. When thanking someone for going above and beyond, note that it’s outside their job description. This helps them feel appreciated without establishing a new expectation.
Address as part of a whole. To avoid piling responsibility on individuals, highlight how they’re a valuable part of a larger team. They don’t carry the team—they contribute meaningfully to it.
Gratitude that supports mental health and balance acknowledges contribution as part of a functioning whole, not as the linchpin holding it together.
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