Pain into Purpose
- Oct 1
- 4 min read
By Michelle Thielen
“YOU TWO HAVE A GREAT EVENING,” said the clerk as she handed over our divorce papers. We looked at each other and knew what we had just done could not be undone. The trust in our relationship seemed like it could never be repaired. Despite him wanting us to stay married, I made the challenging decision to divorce.
After the affair at work and losing my job, each passing week brought more discouragement. Friends would call and try to encourage me or get me out of the house. People called to offer me jobs. I turned them all down because I wanted to be left alone to wallow in my sorrows, my self-defeat, guilt, shame, and my new-found lousy self-image. Eventually, the calls stopped coming in.
My self-inflicted pain began to consume me. I went from anger to grief... grief to discouragement...discouragement to hopelessness. I couldn’t seem to pick myself back up like everyone kept telling me to do. Throughout the long months I had sunk deeper into despair. It was like quicksand. It seemed I couldn't control this darkness. A heavy spirit and dark clouds engulfed me. This dark spirit grabbed me by my throat and did all that it could do to strangle and suffocate the air that was left in my lungs. It took over every part of my life. My mind was clouded. My emotions were dark, intense, chaotic, and anxious. My body did not want to function. I couldn’t get out of bed.
My wilderness journey spanned three years. I was deeply depressed for almost two of those years. I was stuck. ‘Stuck’ is not why God sent His only Son to die for you or me! He came so that we could have life and life more abundantly; no lack, nothing missing, and nothing broken!
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
—James 1:4, New American Standard Version
Eventually, I made a painful decision to take my life. Every detail was planned and I was terrified to execute it on the day I had prepared. I was also relieved because the pain, the hopelessness, the darkness, and despair would finally be eliminated. I wanted out and finally figured a way to do so.
When I went to swallow the many pills, an audible voice said, “You are going to kill your mom of a broken heart.” A lightning bolt seemingly went through my body and for the first time in a long while I had the first sobering thoughts. I knew this to be true. Taking my own life would kill my mom and best friend of a broken heart. I’ll never forget the sound of the pills falling on my bedroom floor. That day I made a choice to stay and face the darkness head on, but I wouldn’t be alone in this battle.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
—Exodus 14:4, New International Version
If you are sinking, I understand. I understand the heaviness. I understand the despair and hopelessness. Sometimes staying in the dark feels safer than coming out to the light. Depression can become a security blanket. When depression takes over, it is much like an addiction, requiring an intervention because we are simply no match for the devil. The struggle is very real and difficult because we convince ourselves isolation is best. Shame keeps us in isolation which is the breeding ground for your deepest, darkest pit.
I want to tell you that you can make it through your wilderness. There is hope! His name is Jesus! He can help you out of any pit and through any storm. He showed me that I first had to truly surrender to Him, secondly I had to forgive and break the soul ties of my affair. I also had to release any anger or bitterness. The Lord led me to a difficult task; putting voice to scriptures. As I read aloud, in the beginning I didn’t believe the promises were for me, a wretched sinner who was not worthy. It’s true that we are not worthy or deserving on our own, but with God He calls us chosen, worthy and deserving of all His promises. His words would eventually become easier to read, my voice became louder and louder as I began to truly believe His promises and get them on the inside of me - inscribed on my heart for future storms.
The journey to freedom began the day I dropped the pills. It wasn’t easy. I crawled and fought for the life I have today.
Jesus saved me, He redeemed my life and used my pain for His purpose. I’m incredibly grateful to be alive today, thriving in an international ministry that I have with my God-given husband and soul mate.
God can do the same for you. Your pain will never be wasted. Surrender and allow Him to redeem you. Your story will help others unlock their prison doors and live a life of freedom. Your mess will become your greatest message. Keep going. Keep believing. Keep living. I promise you, the very best is yet to come! Armed and equipped for victory and freedom, you are truly unstoppable!
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