Pain to Power:Stories of Transformation
- Oct 1
- 3 min read
By Treva Brandon Scharf
My “Pain to Power” story is one of patience, resilience, and finding love later in life.
I got married for the first time at 51. Before that, I endured years of heart break, dashed hopes, and a hell of a lot of bad choices. I nearly lost myself in the process.
My single life took so many twists and turns in my 20s and 30s. First, I wasn’t ready to settle down, then I was. In my 40s, every guy I dated was either separated or divorced and had no desire to jump back in. I was great to date, just not great to marry.
At 42, with a loud ticking biological clock and no potential spouse in sight, I tried to get pregnant on my own with donor sperm. That didn’t work either. So, I kept dating and hoping to find my person.
I’m not a quitter. I don’t give up easily. I’m a 5-time marathoner, a former fitness professional, and a driven, goal-oriented woman. I approached my romantic life like it was a quest. The more out of reach, the harder I went, the harder I was on myself.
It made me crazy that marriage alluded me. I was a bridesmaid many times over, attended countless weddings, but still, I couldn’t make it happen for me.
I couldn’t find my person, I couldn’t make a baby, and was nearing 50. It was the perfect storm of despair. When I realized I couldn’t go any lower, I did something extremely out of character:
I quit.
I gave up on marriage and the happily-ever-after. I quit the game, threw in the towel, and to be honest, I had no choice. I had no self-worth left.
When I gave up though, something strange happened: I was liberated. I released the death grip I had on love and was free.
As it turned out, giving up was the moment that changed everything.
When I said to myself: “I’m going to be single the rest of my life, and I’m going to make it look good,” I stepped into my true power.
I let go of the hopes and dreams, and decided to live my best life because life would go on without a husband, and I was ready to live it because I was turning 50 and fuck it.
And then I met my husband.
11 years later, I’m still marveling at my journey and the insights it gave me.
Getting married wasn’t just a goal realized, it was a valuable lesson about how we view our value and worth, how we can self-sabotage, and where we can improve.
I learned that dating is less about charisma and confidence, and more about conviction: having a deep belief and trust in yourself. I learned that love takes effort, but a lot about love is out of our control. I learned that expectations are romance killers, that failure is a great teacher, and I have a new respect for serendipity, kismet, and the randomness of life.
Finding love later in life made me realize that some of us are late bloomers, and there’s no shame in that. It’s never too late and you’re never too old to meet your person.
Getting married also changed the course of my career because I took all those years of singlehood, lived experience, pain and wisdom, and turned it into a thriving life and dating coaching business.
When it comes to helping people find love (and find themselves, which is just as important) I am unstoppable.
Connect With Treva
Instagram: @trevabme
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