Stepping out of the uniform to find freedom

By Abbie Westgate  It was the moment I’d been waiting for - the day I finally got to deliver my bespoke, trauma informed wellbeing training to my former colleagues. It’s what I’d created Healing Blue Hearts to do. But instead of feeling proud, my inner voice was screaming at me ‘this isn’t it!’.  

The attendees themselves were great, but I could tell my work wasn’t landing the way I’d truly hoped. I knew some of this was down to cultural and environmental factors within the police itself, but I also realised there needed to be a readiness within the individual too.  

Whilst it was empowering to see who I’d become on the other side of a system that left little room for vulnerability or emotional expression, I knew that the fight to make any meaningful change would be constant.  

And I didn’t want to fight anymore. 

 So I made the decision to close Healing Blue Hearts, which left me feeling like a failure. And in letting go of my business, I was letting go of the last connection to my former life, so there was a grief in that too.  

 But I also felt a huge sense of relief, and that’s how I knew I’d made the right choice. Just when I thought my work with surrender was done (haha), I found myself even deeper than before - no career, no business, no direction.  

 Once again I was faced with the unknown, and allowed it to become my teacher. Not that I had much choice - it was like being placed in a waiting room, knowing only that you’re going to be there a while!  

This time I didn’t resist, I let go - a full on trust fall into the dark where I expected to hit rock bottom… only it never came. Here I was, living my biggest fear, and instead of collapse, there was freedom.  

With nowhere to go, and nobody to be, life took on a spaciousness that afforded me this deep, restorative rest. I had nothing left but my story, and I took this as a sign that it was ready to be witnessed.  

 It was like time had stood still for this moment and life was holding its breath, as I poured the truth of the last few years into the pages of my book. For me, writing a memoir has felt like soul work, and I’d never have touched these depths had I not learned to honour the seasons of life. 

 In the same breath, I’m not here to romanticise the challenges of my journey - I have a much lower income, I’ve lost confidence, I worry about the future, and most days I feel I’m walking this path completely alone. 

Then there’s the comparison trap that comes with seeing others around you doing great things, whilst your life feels very much on hold. This often tiggers an urge to chase the external, but I’ve learned this is just fear trying to force or speed things up to create certainty. 

 So you see, surrender in this form is far from passive. It’s a hard-earned state of being that asks for groundedness, awareness and trust. Not always easy when life is testing your limits, but the ability to self-resource creates an inner wealth that transcends financial status. 

And yes, allowing myself to be seen this way feels vulnerable, but if the alternative is to only feel worthy when I have achievements to share, then I’d rather stand for inner beauty, strength and truth. 

I’m a fitness coach, a breathwork teacher, and I’m writing a book. 

And for now, that’s enough. Connect With Abbie Instagram: @abbiewestgate_breathwork