The Grief No One Talks About: 3 Steps to Healing
- May 24
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 2
By Danica Alison
What do you do with grief that has no funeral, no condolences, no clear goodbye? The kind that lingers in the spaces where someone should be but isn’t. The loss of a child you loved but weren’t meant to keep. The unraveling of a relationship that faded without closure. The moment you wake up and realize you no longer recognize yourself.
Some losses are obvious. The world acknowledges them and offers support. Others slip through the cracks, leaving you wondering, Does this even count? Am I allowed to grieve this?
I know this grief. I felt it when I lost my marriage, not just the relationship but the version of myself inside it. I felt it when I said goodbye to foster children, knowing they were never mine to keep but loving them as if they were. I felt it when I realized my identity was shifting, unsure of who I was beyond the roles I had always filled.
There is no roadmap for these kinds of losses, but I’ve learned that there are three steps that can help with healing.
1. Name Your Grief. It’s Real
One of the hardest things about ambiguous and disenfranchised grief is that it often goes unrecognized. Without a death certificate or a formal goodbye, it’s easy to feel like your pain isn’t valid. But grief is not just about death. it’s about loss.
Maybe you lost a relationship, but there was no breakup, just distance. Maybe you’re mourning a parent who is still alive but emotionally unavailable. Maybe you miss the person you used to be before trauma reshaped you.
Naming your loss gives it weight. It allows you to say, “This happened. This matters. I am allowed to grieve at this.”
2. Let Go of the Need for Closure
We often hear that "closure" is the goal of healing. But when loss is ongoing or unresolved, waiting for closure can keep us stuck.
Ambiguous grief lingers because there’s no finality. You may still love someone who is no longer in your life.
You may still feel the pull of an identity that no longer fits. Instead of seeking closure, try to find ways to hold both grief and growth at the same time.
Healing does not mean erasing what was lost. It means learning how to carry it differently.
3. Find Validation. Even If Others Don’t Give It
Disenfranchised grief can be isolating because the world often doesn’t acknowledge it. Maybe people tell you, It wasn’t really your child. You’ll find someone else. You should be over it by now. Their words might make you question your own emotions.
But you don’t need permission to grieve. The loss of a foster child, a divorce, a friendship that faded, the person you used to be before life changed you—all of it is real. And you deserve support, even if others don’t understand.
If no one around you validates your grief, validate yourself. Find spaces where you can process it safely. Talk to those who do understand. Give yourself permission to feel, without apologizing for it.
Healing is Possible
Grief without closure or recognition can feel impossible to navigate. Grief doesn’t just go away. It shifts, reshapes, and becomes part of your story. But it doesn’t have to define you. Healing isn’t about forgetting. It’s about learning to carry it in a way that allows you to move forward.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re carrying grief that feels invisible, I see you. If you're navigating loss that doesn’t fit inside the usual expectations, you are not alone.
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