The Voices In My Head
A testimony of how I learned to silence the voices, release the grief, and reclaim my peace!
I remember the night I found myself laying on the floor, curled in a fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so unseen, unheard, unprotected, unloved and disconnected from the world around me. My inner bullies were screaming at me, telling me that I will never break free or overcome the grief, anxiety and stress.
What do you do when your heart cries out and nobody hears but you? How can you make sense of the feelings of despair and rejection when the remnant of the pain lingers like a mist in your soul?
The pain is like dew drops in your heart and even when the rays of sunshine enter in, those dew drops of rejection appear and those rays turn into rain - a rain full of tears, fears, and isolation. Feeling hopeless and helpless, I saw no way out of the prison in my own mind. My love wasn’t enough. My faithfulness wasn’t enough. My identity was no longer strong enough to stop the abuse inflicted on my mind, my heart, and my soul.
Abuse comes in all forms, but when your scars are invisible, no one else knows! My soul was begging, seeking, praying for help. I soon became numb to its absence - losing my grip on my own reality as I began to embrace my abusers’ reality.
I began to realize that what I was experiencing was intense grief.
Grief is the emotional response to being disconnected from something or someone that once powered your emotional experience. This can include physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past and apprehension about the future.
Grieving involves immense emotional and physical suffering. Emotions can range from anger to denial to guilt to sadness to despair. Intense grief can be life threatening through disruption of the immune system, self neglect, and suicidal thoughts. I learned that grief comes in many forms and that I was enduring three (3) different types at once.
COLLECTIVE GRIEF: Everytime I turned on the news, I felt grief. From the wars, to the weather, to the deaths - it all hit me and made me question my own safety in this world.
GENERATIONAL GRIEF: I no longer had the desire to take on the responsibility of carrying my familys’ generational trauma, drama or stress. I became the black sheep of the family, which made me question my place in the world.
PERSONAL GRIEF: The self betrayal, self shame, self denial, self isolation, and self sabotage took over until I had no self love. This made me question my purpose in this world.
I soon felt a light. A small slither of light within the gross darkness that had become me so long ago. The tiny light tugged at my heart until the inner bullies quieted just enough for me to hear the voices in my heart. Those voices then grew louder - so loud that my head began to listen, and those voices merged into one voice. The only voice. My voice.
And with this one voice, I decree and declare that I WILL BE STRONG ON MY OWN! I WILL LIVE AND BREATH MY DESTINY. Today, I remember God’s promises:
1. What the devil meant for evil, God is going to turn around for my good. My love cannot be stolen, my identity cannot be killed, and my destiny cannot be destroyed.
2. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
3. He who abides under the shadow of the almighty shall be saved (Psalm 91 protected)
4. Vengeance is mine saith the Lord (Psalm 109 vengeance)
Now, I stand in my truth and speak my truth as I declare that I am an abuse survivor, a grief overcomer, and my voice will no longer be silenced. #IWillBe #MyMantra.
I am Nicole Bozeman, and when I discovered and accepted my grief, I also discovered my power. I became empowered to silence that inner bully, release the grief, reclaim my peace and breathe by understanding and allowing a mutual respect between my emotions and thoughts. If I can do this on my own, so can you!
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