You Are Lovable and Desirable Just As You Are (and what I had to unlearn to believe that)

By Sara-Ann Rosen

Every February, the world seems to demand an answer to the question: “How lovable are you, really?”

Heart-shaped everything. Lingerie ads. Couple selfies. Reservation flexes. It can feel less like a celebration of love and more like an annual performance review on your desirability.

For a long time, I assumed I’d failed that review before I even showed up.

I Used to Think Anyone Who Wanted Me Was Secretly Settling

I acted like I didn’t care about special dates—Valentine’s Day, anniversaries—because I didn’t feel I deserved them or that I could dress the part.

If he told me he liked how I looked, my brain whispered, He’s just being nice; if he looks closely, he’ll realize he could do better.

Through most of my 20s and early 30s, that was my default setting: if someone liked me, it was because they hadn’t examined me carefully enough yet. I walked into relationships like a consolation prize that might be returned once the “real” thing came along.

By my late 30s, something unexpected happened: I started feeling more wanted, not less. I noticed dates light up when they saw me, and look at me with hunger I never imagined I’d inspire.

The twist? My body hadn’t turned into a Photoshopped fantasy. What shifted was the story I was telling myself about how I looked—and what my partners supposedly thought.

Science Says You Probably Underestimate How Attracted They Are

In studies with heterosexual couples, women who felt worse about their bodies were more likely to assume their partners were less attracted to them, regardless of how attracted their partners actually were.

Negative body image colored what they believed their partners felt; their partners’ real attraction was almost beside the point. On a “nothing looks good on me” day, you’re more likely to read your partner’s yawn as they’re disgusted instead of they’re tired.

Your brain quietly swaps out reality for a story that matches your insecurity. I wasn’t above this; I was basically running a private experiment in exactly what those studies describe.

The Man Who Cracked My Attraction Story

The first real crack in my story came when I dated someone I found wildly attractive who told me he’d been teased for his looks as a kid.

I remember staring at him, genuinely confused, because I lusted after the exact feature he said people used to mock him for. If the thing I liked most about him had once been social kryptonite, maybe the problem wasn’t our bodies at all.

Maybe the problem was the lens we’d each inherited about what counts as attractive. If I could adore a body someone else had ridiculed, maybe my partners weren’t secretly marking mine with a red pen, either.

What Actually Changed for Me

I didn’t wake up one day believing I was all that. Finally believing that someone else could feel that way about me was a big step, but it wasn’t enough. I had to rebuild my relationship with my body one small choice at a time.

Walking, strength training, and Pilates weren’t about fixing myself; they were about caring for my body and proving to my nervous system that I was capable, strong, and here. As I got physically stronger, the voice in my head slowly shifted from heckler to hype woman.

I also started dating like a scientist instead of a mind-reader. Does this person show they’re attracted by making time, being present, aligning their words and actions, and communicating what they like about me? Do I like how I feel during and after I’m with them, and how I am with them?

The more I paid attention to real data instead of my inner critic, the more obvious it became that I had been wildly underestimating how attractive plenty of men actually found me.

Fast Forward: Letting Desire Land

Post-divorce, I was standing in a light blue summer dress in a man’s backyard. He walked toward me, sun-kissed and grinning, and his whole face lit up. “Oh my god,” he murmured between kisses. “You look very fetching in that dress.”I didn’t argue. I didn’t mentally list my flaws. I let the warmth rush through my body. And I kissed him because I wanted to.

My body hadn’t morphed into a centerfold. What changed was my inner narrator.

A Valentine’s Reframe: From Mind-Reading to Reality

If Valentine’s season stirs up old questions—Do they want me, am I attractive enough?—treat that as a cue to reality-check your story, not your body.

Start by asking whose voice you’re hearing. Does it actually belong to your current partner—or to a relative, an ex, a bully, a beauty ad?

Get curious instead of mind-reading. If you have a caring partner, you’re allowed to ask, “When do you feel most drawn to me physically?”

Most of all, practice staying present with being wanted, even when your shame wants to speak over the evidence. Take a breath when someone compliments you. Let it land for a few seconds before you deflect or joke.

You don’t have to immediately believe every good thing they see in you. But this Valentine’s, consider the possibility that you may already be far more wanted than you think.

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www.settling-up.com